And We Lived Happily Ever After in Conflict and Pain
Author: Susan Anderson Excerpt from Reiki Happenings, April 2005: Section: Working With Others
Late one morning, I received a frantic phone call from a client of mine,Dee Nile. “Susan, I am so
stressed out, I can’t seem to function, can you possibly fit me in this afternoon for a Reiki session? I
really am in so much pain, I need to see someone today. Do you have any time?” Although, I had
decided to take the day off, and was happily engaged in cleaning my house, I recognized this call of
distress and immediately responded, “Sure what time can you get here?” “Can you see me in an
hour?”, Dee asked “No problem.”, I responded, lying through my teeth.
I hung up the phone, then became the frantic one, trying to stuff all the junk laying around the house
into large garbage bags to store temporarily in the garage,clean up the bathroom, and wiz around the
rooms hiding the evidence of my chronically disorganized world. Five minutes before Dee was due to
arrive, I took a quick look in the mirror to make sure I was presentable, washed my face and hands to be
rid of all traces of miracle cleaning products, then let out a deep breathe of relief, “made it again, just in
the nick of time.”
The doorbell rings, and I welcome Dee in, calm, cool, collected, as if I were a lady of leisure, just
enjoying the slow pace of the day, all along noticing the spot on the floor I missed, the dust on the table
in the entry way I forgot about, and keeping my fingers crossed that she was not psychic enough
to realize behind every nook and cranny, lay an avalanche of things waiting to let loose on any
unsuspecting victim.
We enter the treatment area to sit down to talk. Dee’s appearance told much of her story before she
even uttered a word. Her normally well styled hair was in disarray, her coloring was so pale, one could
only imagine she just had a ghostly encounter, her shoulders were slumped, with the rest of her
body following suit, hunched over as if she was in the throes of osteoporosis for years. I open up with,
“Dee, you look as if you have been through the ringer, what is going on?”
Dee began to tell her story. I listened empathetically as she recounted the stresses she has been under
for the past few weeks. She and her boyfriend of three years, Con Flick, were having some very serious
problems. Although throughout their relationship they have experienced many difficulties, right now
it seemed so overwhelming. Her job in corporate America was stressful, and her relationship with her
sister was at odds as well. It seemed as if the walls were crumbling down around her.
As Dee talked, she said that Con was becoming unbearable to live with. I asked her if she wanted to talk
about it. Did she ever, the floodgates opened! Con was very controlling, to the point that she couldn’t
breathe. Nothing she did could please him, because she just couldn’t do things the way he expected
them, and with the degree of perfection he wanted. His tone of speaking was abrupt, and he was
treating her as if she were a child. She felt like she was walking on eggshells all the time, with the ground
cracking beneath her feet. She feared she was losing her sense of self, being swallowed up by the man
she loved.
She continued on, mentioning that she must call him twice a day from work at specific times to check in,
be home in time to have a hot cooked meal on the table, and to make sure nothing was out of place.
If there was one thing that Con could not tolerate, it was a mess! Continuing on she indicated that Con
even gets on her about the way she takes care and grooms herself, needing to show her the proper way
to brush her teeth, and the proper way to take a shower. I had a hard time with that statement, and
blurted out quickly before thinking, “Why would you let Con tell you how to brush your teeth and take a
shower?” Defending him, she said, “Well, he did show me a better way to do it, so I am more thorough
now!”
After finishing with Con, Dee went on to explain, that she is so stressed atwork. She has been passed
up twice now for a promotion, the jobs going to males both times, even through she was more qualified.
Each time she was passed up for a promotion, her workload increased, requiring her to assist the new
boss, yet she was not compensated either financially or with credit given for her performance. When
she would meet with the powers to be to discuss this, each time, they responded that she was a
hard worker, had great ideas, and was a loyal team player, but she needed more time to develop to
learn the ropes before she could move up to the next level. When asked how she felt about this
situation, she responded, ”It makes me angry, but what can I do? I need my job, I guess I have to
play by their rules. And they probably are right, I still have some things that I have to improve upon to
feel really comfortable with the job. Besides, each time, the job was given to men who are married with
families to support. They really do need the extra money. I can wait awhile yet because it is just me, I
don’t have other mouths to feed.”
Next Dee went into the troubles she is currently experiencing with her sister, Sybil. Being of a high
maintenance nature, Sybil, was very demanding and needed quite a bit of attention focused on her, at
the expense of those around her. They recently got into a big argument while out with a group of
friends they had not seen in awhile. The evening was supposed to be a relaxing night out with the girls,
full of laughs and good times. But things did not turn out as planned. Sybil monopolized the conversation
the entire evening, kept putting Dee down for her what she called her “loser boyfriend”, ridiculed
her style of dress, and laughed as she jokingly told the group, “Did you hear that Dee got passed up
again for a promotion? She hasn’t learned how to play ball with the big boys yet, guess I’m going to have
to give her some tips!”
Hurt and humiliated by the constant badgering of her sister that evening, Dee exploded on the
drive home. Now her sister isn’t talking to her, and as angry as she was, she knew she should have
kept it to herself. How was she going to explain it to her mom? This weekend, is a big family
event celebrating her mother’s 65th birthday. Mom, she told me can not tolerate any kind of conflict
within the family. She would never forgive Dee if she ruined her big birthday celebration because of a
fight she had with Sybil over something so insignificant.
I made many suggestions, each one being countered with a rebuttal by Dee. Each rebuttal leading into
another piece of the story. Although Dee heard what I was saying, she wasn’t listening. She was just
waiting for me to take a breathe so she could jump in with another problem that related back to the main
problems earlier explained. Looking at the clock, an hour had passed, I had not tested her for flower
essences and the Reiki session was still at least 20 minutes away. I suggested we test for flower
essences before the session start. Dee agreed. After testing, I told Dee what essences were showing
up as being needed right now…Chestnut Bud, for those who repeat the same mistakes over and over
without learning from past experiences, and which helps one to be a good learner and to pay attention
to the present. Centaury, for those who try to please others and find it difficult to say no to them, even
when they are being exploited, this essence helping to teach one to have the strength to follow their own
path in life, and Larch, for lack of self-confidence and the anticipation of failure, often making no
attempt to succeed. This essence works on helping to teach self-confidence and the determination to
take on challenges. I indicated that the descriptions I was giving her were similar to me giving her
a brief summary of a book I just read. I asked if she felt any of the descriptions applied to her situation.
She acknowledged they did a little, but really just currently, most of the time things run really smoothly in
her life. She went on to say that she just needed to let out some emotional steam, things were really not
that bad, she was probably making a much bigger deal of what was going on. With that, we went into
the treatment room and Dee received a Reiki session.
After the session, we sat down again, to discuss what transpired. We both gave feedback. I provided
several suggestions of work Dee could do to continue the process after she left…things which
involved both inner and outer care. Her appearance had perked up dramatically, and she seemed to be
exuding a air of self-renewal. Although the session was long and emotional, I felt good knowing I helped
Dee.
That was several sessions ago. Dee has since been coming in every three weeks. The names and
situations change, but the story, her story remains the same.
Obviously, this was a work of fiction. There is no client I see named Dee Nile with a boyfriend named
Con Flick. It was simply written to illustrate a point. Conflict and pain are parts of all of our lives. When
you begin to do healing work, whether Reiki, another modality, or a combination of healing techniques,
you may find that others will begin to ask for your assistance. Many of us, in our eagerness, want to
jump right in and be of service. Sometimes we even get so attached to the process, we want to help fix
everything for everyone…make the pain go away, the conflict dissolve, put the happily ever after ending
on the story.
So we sit down and begin to work with someone who is seeking us out for assistance. We listen to their
story, feel empathic about their situation, and come to the conclusion, “Now this is something, I can help
with!” Only to be frustrated in our attempts because, we may be forgetting the pitfalls that surround us
at times…rule number one… “Patient heal thy self.” We all hold onto our stories like we are holding a
multi-million dollar winning lottery ticket. We get very good at telling them, feeling it really defines who we
are, it fills a void, it provides a need, it gets us attention, it gives us some type of gift. Yet, all along, it is
doing other things as well. It is restricting our growth by keeping us in a vessel of fear. Strip me of my
story, then what do I have? The real me under there? Boy, that could be even scarier than what I am
dealing with right now!
As odd as it may seem, the conflict and pain in our lives provides drama…drama is action, is excitable, is
passionate, is emotional…take away the drama and we have inner peace, calm, quiet, reflection,
contemplation. This can take some major adjustment to get used to.
To me it is similar to an experience I had when our family moved from living in the city to living in the
country. The city was always action packed, with excitement everywhere, even when that excitement was
harmful. There was always background noises…even in the depths of the early morning hours…I was
accustomed to the sounds of city life…sirens, subways, trolleys, noisy groups of people, the hustle and
bustle. Then- I get plopped into the middle of what seemed like cow country, and the silence was
deafening. This disturbed me for some time. I could not tolerate the calmness. I found the quiet very
disturbing. But through the years I have learned to adjust. To recognize the quiet as an opportunity to
really connect with the essence of who I am and the Source of All that Is. In this place,I learn and grow,
and make changes.
So this very long illustration is written as a reminder for all of us, as we work with others….
1. To truly be of help to another, our role must be that of facilitator
2. Only the person looking for assistance can really resolve what is occurring in their personal situation
3. People like their stories, and may hold onto them tightly even though they are saying the want to do things
differently in their lives..it is their decision when and if they decide to change their story.
4. A person works on healing processes at their own rate of speed.
5. All our life stories are exactly as they are meant to be…we have something to learn from them, once we
recognize the lesson, then the shifts occur.
6. We must always be careful to fully take care of ourselve when working with others, if not we become
exhausted on all levels
Author: Susan Anderson Excerpt from Reiki Happenings, April 2005: Section: Working With Others
Late one morning, I received a frantic phone call from a client of mine,Dee Nile. “Susan, I am so
stressed out, I can’t seem to function, can you possibly fit me in this afternoon for a Reiki session? I
really am in so much pain, I need to see someone today. Do you have any time?” Although, I had
decided to take the day off, and was happily engaged in cleaning my house, I recognized this call of
distress and immediately responded, “Sure what time can you get here?” “Can you see me in an
hour?”, Dee asked “No problem.”, I responded, lying through my teeth.
I hung up the phone, then became the frantic one, trying to stuff all the junk laying around the house
into large garbage bags to store temporarily in the garage,clean up the bathroom, and wiz around the
rooms hiding the evidence of my chronically disorganized world. Five minutes before Dee was due to
arrive, I took a quick look in the mirror to make sure I was presentable, washed my face and hands to be
rid of all traces of miracle cleaning products, then let out a deep breathe of relief, “made it again, just in
the nick of time.”
The doorbell rings, and I welcome Dee in, calm, cool, collected, as if I were a lady of leisure, just
enjoying the slow pace of the day, all along noticing the spot on the floor I missed, the dust on the table
in the entry way I forgot about, and keeping my fingers crossed that she was not psychic enough
to realize behind every nook and cranny, lay an avalanche of things waiting to let loose on any
unsuspecting victim.
We enter the treatment area to sit down to talk. Dee’s appearance told much of her story before she
even uttered a word. Her normally well styled hair was in disarray, her coloring was so pale, one could
only imagine she just had a ghostly encounter, her shoulders were slumped, with the rest of her
body following suit, hunched over as if she was in the throes of osteoporosis for years. I open up with,
“Dee, you look as if you have been through the ringer, what is going on?”
Dee began to tell her story. I listened empathetically as she recounted the stresses she has been under
for the past few weeks. She and her boyfriend of three years, Con Flick, were having some very serious
problems. Although throughout their relationship they have experienced many difficulties, right now
it seemed so overwhelming. Her job in corporate America was stressful, and her relationship with her
sister was at odds as well. It seemed as if the walls were crumbling down around her.
As Dee talked, she said that Con was becoming unbearable to live with. I asked her if she wanted to talk
about it. Did she ever, the floodgates opened! Con was very controlling, to the point that she couldn’t
breathe. Nothing she did could please him, because she just couldn’t do things the way he expected
them, and with the degree of perfection he wanted. His tone of speaking was abrupt, and he was
treating her as if she were a child. She felt like she was walking on eggshells all the time, with the ground
cracking beneath her feet. She feared she was losing her sense of self, being swallowed up by the man
she loved.
She continued on, mentioning that she must call him twice a day from work at specific times to check in,
be home in time to have a hot cooked meal on the table, and to make sure nothing was out of place.
If there was one thing that Con could not tolerate, it was a mess! Continuing on she indicated that Con
even gets on her about the way she takes care and grooms herself, needing to show her the proper way
to brush her teeth, and the proper way to take a shower. I had a hard time with that statement, and
blurted out quickly before thinking, “Why would you let Con tell you how to brush your teeth and take a
shower?” Defending him, she said, “Well, he did show me a better way to do it, so I am more thorough
now!”
After finishing with Con, Dee went on to explain, that she is so stressed atwork. She has been passed
up twice now for a promotion, the jobs going to males both times, even through she was more qualified.
Each time she was passed up for a promotion, her workload increased, requiring her to assist the new
boss, yet she was not compensated either financially or with credit given for her performance. When
she would meet with the powers to be to discuss this, each time, they responded that she was a
hard worker, had great ideas, and was a loyal team player, but she needed more time to develop to
learn the ropes before she could move up to the next level. When asked how she felt about this
situation, she responded, ”It makes me angry, but what can I do? I need my job, I guess I have to
play by their rules. And they probably are right, I still have some things that I have to improve upon to
feel really comfortable with the job. Besides, each time, the job was given to men who are married with
families to support. They really do need the extra money. I can wait awhile yet because it is just me, I
don’t have other mouths to feed.”
Next Dee went into the troubles she is currently experiencing with her sister, Sybil. Being of a high
maintenance nature, Sybil, was very demanding and needed quite a bit of attention focused on her, at
the expense of those around her. They recently got into a big argument while out with a group of
friends they had not seen in awhile. The evening was supposed to be a relaxing night out with the girls,
full of laughs and good times. But things did not turn out as planned. Sybil monopolized the conversation
the entire evening, kept putting Dee down for her what she called her “loser boyfriend”, ridiculed
her style of dress, and laughed as she jokingly told the group, “Did you hear that Dee got passed up
again for a promotion? She hasn’t learned how to play ball with the big boys yet, guess I’m going to have
to give her some tips!”
Hurt and humiliated by the constant badgering of her sister that evening, Dee exploded on the
drive home. Now her sister isn’t talking to her, and as angry as she was, she knew she should have
kept it to herself. How was she going to explain it to her mom? This weekend, is a big family
event celebrating her mother’s 65th birthday. Mom, she told me can not tolerate any kind of conflict
within the family. She would never forgive Dee if she ruined her big birthday celebration because of a
fight she had with Sybil over something so insignificant.
I made many suggestions, each one being countered with a rebuttal by Dee. Each rebuttal leading into
another piece of the story. Although Dee heard what I was saying, she wasn’t listening. She was just
waiting for me to take a breathe so she could jump in with another problem that related back to the main
problems earlier explained. Looking at the clock, an hour had passed, I had not tested her for flower
essences and the Reiki session was still at least 20 minutes away. I suggested we test for flower
essences before the session start. Dee agreed. After testing, I told Dee what essences were showing
up as being needed right now…Chestnut Bud, for those who repeat the same mistakes over and over
without learning from past experiences, and which helps one to be a good learner and to pay attention
to the present. Centaury, for those who try to please others and find it difficult to say no to them, even
when they are being exploited, this essence helping to teach one to have the strength to follow their own
path in life, and Larch, for lack of self-confidence and the anticipation of failure, often making no
attempt to succeed. This essence works on helping to teach self-confidence and the determination to
take on challenges. I indicated that the descriptions I was giving her were similar to me giving her
a brief summary of a book I just read. I asked if she felt any of the descriptions applied to her situation.
She acknowledged they did a little, but really just currently, most of the time things run really smoothly in
her life. She went on to say that she just needed to let out some emotional steam, things were really not
that bad, she was probably making a much bigger deal of what was going on. With that, we went into
the treatment room and Dee received a Reiki session.
After the session, we sat down again, to discuss what transpired. We both gave feedback. I provided
several suggestions of work Dee could do to continue the process after she left…things which
involved both inner and outer care. Her appearance had perked up dramatically, and she seemed to be
exuding a air of self-renewal. Although the session was long and emotional, I felt good knowing I helped
Dee.
That was several sessions ago. Dee has since been coming in every three weeks. The names and
situations change, but the story, her story remains the same.
Obviously, this was a work of fiction. There is no client I see named Dee Nile with a boyfriend named
Con Flick. It was simply written to illustrate a point. Conflict and pain are parts of all of our lives. When
you begin to do healing work, whether Reiki, another modality, or a combination of healing techniques,
you may find that others will begin to ask for your assistance. Many of us, in our eagerness, want to
jump right in and be of service. Sometimes we even get so attached to the process, we want to help fix
everything for everyone…make the pain go away, the conflict dissolve, put the happily ever after ending
on the story.
So we sit down and begin to work with someone who is seeking us out for assistance. We listen to their
story, feel empathic about their situation, and come to the conclusion, “Now this is something, I can help
with!” Only to be frustrated in our attempts because, we may be forgetting the pitfalls that surround us
at times…rule number one… “Patient heal thy self.” We all hold onto our stories like we are holding a
multi-million dollar winning lottery ticket. We get very good at telling them, feeling it really defines who we
are, it fills a void, it provides a need, it gets us attention, it gives us some type of gift. Yet, all along, it is
doing other things as well. It is restricting our growth by keeping us in a vessel of fear. Strip me of my
story, then what do I have? The real me under there? Boy, that could be even scarier than what I am
dealing with right now!
As odd as it may seem, the conflict and pain in our lives provides drama…drama is action, is excitable, is
passionate, is emotional…take away the drama and we have inner peace, calm, quiet, reflection,
contemplation. This can take some major adjustment to get used to.
To me it is similar to an experience I had when our family moved from living in the city to living in the
country. The city was always action packed, with excitement everywhere, even when that excitement was
harmful. There was always background noises…even in the depths of the early morning hours…I was
accustomed to the sounds of city life…sirens, subways, trolleys, noisy groups of people, the hustle and
bustle. Then- I get plopped into the middle of what seemed like cow country, and the silence was
deafening. This disturbed me for some time. I could not tolerate the calmness. I found the quiet very
disturbing. But through the years I have learned to adjust. To recognize the quiet as an opportunity to
really connect with the essence of who I am and the Source of All that Is. In this place,I learn and grow,
and make changes.
So this very long illustration is written as a reminder for all of us, as we work with others….
1. To truly be of help to another, our role must be that of facilitator
2. Only the person looking for assistance can really resolve what is occurring in their personal situation
3. People like their stories, and may hold onto them tightly even though they are saying the want to do things
differently in their lives..it is their decision when and if they decide to change their story.
4. A person works on healing processes at their own rate of speed.
5. All our life stories are exactly as they are meant to be…we have something to learn from them, once we
recognize the lesson, then the shifts occur.
6. We must always be careful to fully take care of ourselve when working with others, if not we become
exhausted on all levels